All right, did I give that too much of a glowing review?  When I said I realized I "could do it all,"  I had just realized I had been living below my potential as a mother and a woman.  The things I learned that helped me feel impowered were things like, "lower you expectations," "recognize your stage of life and let some of the unessential things wait," "I don't have to do it all right now," "its okay to take a nap" and "stop trying to be perfect." Love this quote by Anna Quindlen, "The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."  The presenter then continued, "If you do "become yourself" you will be perfect because you will be who you were created to become."  I learned to say no to other obligations as well as other specific ideas on how to be a better mom. 

Power of Moms

 There are many “Mommy blogs” out there. Some better than others. About a year ago, my friend told me about a blog her cousin had started, SunshinePromises.blogspot.com This brave woman has a tragic story about losing her fifteen-month-old baby in his sleep, for no reason. Her honest writing is amazingly uplifting. I cry each time I read her blog, then hug my children, count my blessings and am determined to do better. Her blog led me to PowerofMoms.com a blog for deliberate mothers. It was started by the amazing April Perry and Saren Eyre Loosli, these inspiring women and many contributing writers post articles encouraging mothers. After following the blog for several months I saw that they were doing a retreat in LA! Hooray! I was beyond thrilled. My friend and I drove to Pasadena on a Friday and Saturday and attended a career development conference for mothers. It felt so good to be surrounded by women who felt the same way I do about mothering, that it is essential and desirable. I didn't have to convince anyone that mothering is important or explain that as a “stay at home mom” I do much more than stay at home.

I had several "ah-ha" moments at the Power of Moms retreat, the most liberating moment was when I realized I can "do it all." For years I had convinced myself that I couldn't possibly take care of myself, my children, my home, friends, church callings, etc. all at the same time. Each time I tried to buckle down and wake up earlier, or write out my schedule, make lists for my kids, etc. I felt a bit OCD. It was so reassuring to be surrounded by amazing women who were making so much progress in reaching their full potential and realizing I was just like them! I felt motivated knowing I didn't have to work harder, just smarter. For too long I've shied away from doing too much because I didn't want to push myself too far. Now I feel I have the tools to push myself in a healthy, productive way, without taking away from my family and without over extending myself. Remember that awesome quote often attributed to Nelson Mandela, actually written by Marianne Williamson,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

That is what this retreat felt like.

My favorite part of the retreat was the focus and purpose with which the women talked about motherhood. I loved that it always came back to the purpose of each action, the values taught, the lessons learned and the relationships being developed. Since then, I've been trying to go through my day with more purpose and to be more present. I don't text while I'm talking to me kids, or leave my e-mail and blogs up and running while I'm helping them with homework, etc. When we work, run errands, etc. I try to focus on them and what we learn together in the experience, rather than just getting the task done. One day, as I cleaned the car with the "help" of my 3 little boys, I tried to think about this. Afterward I thanked my boys for their help to which four-year-old Joey replied, "Mom, why are you so pretty?" I gave him a big hug and he continued, "you are pretty every day." Melted my heart, especially since I was wearing pig tails and no make-up. I think he felt what I wanted him to while we were cleaning the car!

The first day at the retreat we learned about Mind Organization for Moms. It is a system to clear your counters and mind of clutter, help you check off all those things on your to do list, finish those great projects you have in your mind AND still be a great Mom at the same time. Now that sounds like quite a task. But this system is helping me organize my thoughts and break each project down into small steps that I can accomplish in the two minutes of free time that I have each day.

The month following the retreat was filled with unexpected guests, sick kids, and a traveling husband who worked extra long hours. And yet, I am able to do more, be more and have more energy and joy at the end of the day.

Go Moms!

(I kind of wanted to end this post with a cheer for moms and motherhood, but seeing as I was never a cheerleader and I don't really know how to make up those kind of things, that was the best I could do. I hope you feel my sincere enthusiasm for motherhood!)

Stillen*

Hush thee my baby, snuggle in my arms,
I'll kiss your Marzipan toes as you work your charms.

Silky and warm, we cuddle and kiss,
Little fingers touch my face and we both feel the bliss.

In the middle of the night, when Daddy won't do,
Give him a chance, sweet baby, he loves you too.

Milk dances on your lips, as we both drift to sleep,
I drink you up, 'cause I know  babies don't keep.

*Stillen is the German word for Breastfeeding.  I love the visual connection to the English word "still."  It makes clear the connection that nursing also calms, satisfying more than physical need for food, but also providing comfort and security.

Smile of a Baby

Smells of sweet potatoes and vanilla sugar
a fresh autumn night
Looks like the beginnings of a rose tinted sunrise
an orange balloon
sunlight through window blinds
Sounds like the moment the wind lifts your kite
a call from a friend
a clear starry sky
golden leaves, still on the trees
Is worth an extra hour of sleep
Feels like a thank you note
a new pair of running shoes
Christmas morning, when the presents are still under the tree
the flutter of hummingbird wings

Delicious

Bienenstich

Streuseltaler

Peanut Butter cookie dough

Shlagsahne in my Quark

Pumpkin Pie

Warm Butternut Squash Soup

Homemade cinnamon rolls

A baby's smile

Jose Oliver's Reading

I'm thankful for spiritual promptings and the gentle reassurance to follow them. This last month I've been taking a creative writing class. The teacher was the poet, Jose Oliver. I really like his teaching style and have enjoyed a chance to write, as well as present. Last night, at a local bookstore, he did a reading of his own poetry. I was interested in going, but as the day wore on I changed my mind. I was tired, hadn't gotten ready for the day, there was lots of work to do and I needed some time with Elijah. But I felt very strongly that I should go. I wasn't sure why, and try as I may, I couldn't deny that it was the spirit telling me to go listen.

On a dark rainy night I found the little bookstore and went in. I was surprised by the size of the crowd and found a seat near some of the other students from my class. It was fun to talk with them for a just a minute. Then the evening began. The few students started by reading what we had written in class, a creative biography and a 200 word novel - mine were about motherhood and the importance of it. I really enjoyed listening to Mr. Oliver's reading. I didn't understand everything, as it was mostly in German and Spanish, but the sounds were still quite beautiful. As I sat there I thought and prayed, "Why am I here?" If it was so important for me to be here, then what was it?" I had grabbed a Book of Mormon and some pass along cards before I left home, at the moment not sure what I was going to do with them. But as I sat in that book store, I thought, "I won't lose anything by giving this book to Mr. Oliver. If it is awkward or unwanted, so what. I won't see these people again. On a more positive side, I do really like Mr. Oliver as a person, he is very kind and good. He mentioned he lost his wife early this year to cancer and I imagine he must be lonely and hurting. I know the Book of Mormon and the gospel could help." So I wrote a little letter and stuck it in the front of the book to give him after his reading.

When he was finished I stood to make my way to him. He was talking to a few other people, so I waited my turn. As I waited a woman, the owner of the book store came up to me and said, "I have something to say to you. What a wonderful piece you read. It is so true." She told me that she is also a mother, but is obviously older than me and it has taken her quite some time to understand and see the beauty of motherhood. As she looks back now she realizes all those little moments with her children were so important. She regrets the times she was too busy for her children and thankful for the times she wasn't. A while back Jacob University asked her to prepare a visual presentation for a week even they were hosting called, "Women in Leadership." She thought and thought, without any ideas, until finally it came to her. She created a large net and hung it from the ceiling. Then asked other mothers, friends or people she knew - who were mothers - to write something about motherhood. She rolled them all up in scrolls and stuck them in the net. At the display people were able to come up to the net, pull out a scroll and read it. She said it was the most wonderful thing to see, like people at a beehive. Originally she was very nervous about her idea. She knew this was not what the university had in mind and didn't know if they'd be pleased. Here they are having a week long even about women and power and her message is motherhood. I admire her courage to present what she knows is true power and leadership. We talked about the beautiful imagery of the net and how mothers and families are what keeps the net of society together.

She then said, it is so wonderful that you know this. But you are so young - how do you know? How and why do you believe what you do? I was surprised by her golden question. I told her that I knew of the divinity of motherhood because of my mother's example and by what my mother taught me. This is part of my religion. I've been taught that motherhood is the most important thing on earth and that it is divine. I had the Book of Mormon in my bag and so I pulled it out and said, "This is how I know what I know. This is a book of scripture that teaches me the plan. It tells me where I'm from, what I'm doing here and where I'm going." I told her she couldn't have this copy because it was for Oliver, but I gave her a pass along card and as I know where her bookstore is I can easily come back and bring her a book.

She asked for a copy of my writing, so she can add it to her net. She said it would be the only one from a woman so young and she thinks it would add tremendously to her display. I was really honored and pleased to find such a choice woman in Germany. I can't wait to follow up with her. When I send her my paper I also plan to send her a copy of The Family: A Proclamation to the World, share my testimony and offer to follow up with her.

By the time I was done talking with her Mr. Oliver had gone outside for his smoke break. I looked out the window and saw him in a large circle of people and felt more intimidated. I looked around the shop - it is beautiful, this woman also makes paper and book covers - I can totally see my friend, Brooke Nielson Stoneman opening a shop like this. Mr. Oliver came back in and came up to me. He thanked me for coming and I told him how much I liked his reading. He told me that the first poem he read was for me, he had also read it in class, so I recognized it - about a woman cleaning a church early in the morning - there is a lot of repetition and focus on time, it ends with the woman back home, holding a child and for a moment time stands still. It is quite beautiful. I asked him which of his books the poem was in, thinking I'd buy it. He told me it was in one of his first books and he didn't have a copy. But if I'd give him my address he's send me a copy he had written in for me. Very kind. It was the perfect opportunity to then give him a book. I told him it was my favorite: not poetry, but scripture and also helps me see the beauty in everyday life. He told me he would read it and I believe he will. He lives in Southern Germany, so hopefully the pass along card I put in the book will help him find any more information he needs and wants. He does also have my address now, so he can of course write to me and perhaps we can teach in touch.

The evening was beautiful and I'm so grateful I went, grateful that I listened to the spirit, grateful that I wrote about things I believe in and grateful that there are so many good people in the world.

What I Learned Today

Inflatable airplanes squeak and annoy

Frozen blueberries are a delicious treat

Vollkorn Kissten taste like cardboard after the first handful

Hyrum's smile melts me

At a young age little boys learn how to destroy their brother's Lego creations

The first scoop of Peanut Butter cookie dough is the best

A Brite Music activity book and a scanner are a life saving combination

The best "reaction" is to remove what they're fighting over, change their location and focus

Sunshine and blue skies are beautiful

I choose my attitude and my mood

Hyrum smells good

"Thank you" are some of the sweetest words from my boys

Thinking about home makes me homesick

Silicone baking mats rock

Regular recipes have way too much butter and sugar

I love my boys enough to feed them fresh fruit and oatmeal every day - even when they want cold cereal

We should start every morning with scriptures and devotional

My boys are more important to me than the dishes 

(This was written in Sept. 2010)